Two girls aged six and eight flew by themselves from Ontario to Regina to visit their grandparents. When their grandparents met them in Regina they noticed that each of the girls wore a tag around their neck with the letters U. M. on it.
The grandparents asked the stewardess what U. M. stood for. Before the stewardess could reply with the answer “Unattended Minor,” one of the grandchildren spoke up and said, “I’m not sure Grandma, but we think it means unmothered.”
The term “unmothered” may flash images through your mind. Maybe it is a child who you think of as “unmothered”. It could be the thousands of children in our world who are without a mother or father because of the devastating effects of HIV?AIDS. (We are choosing to support Some of these children today through World Vision Canada in honour of the women in our congregation.) Images may give way to memories of your relationship with your mother or, as a mother, your relationship with your children.
The word “unmothered” invites questions. Is there such a thing as “overmothering” or “overparenting?” If you are a mother or a father and were to scale the two approaches (where 1 represents “unmothering” and 10 represents “overmothering” or “overparenting”), where would you place yourself? Would you place yourself on the “unmothering” side or the “overmothering” side? How far down or up on the scale would you be?
We also might ask how over-parenting or under-parenting affects a child. How willing are we to change for the sake of the children in our life? Another question is: How do I know or how can I know if I am under or over functioning in the life of my child?
These questions are a few of the questions to thing about as we look at the story of Samuel. In the first few chapters of 1Samuel, we read of one woman’s pain, prayer, and praise, which helped to shape Samuel into a famous leader in the history of Israel.
Hannah lived with the pain of childlessness. Her grief was compounded by Peninnah, her husband’s second wife. We read: “Whenever Hannah went up to the house of the Lord, her rival (Peninnah, who had children) provoked her till she wept and would not eat. (I Samuel 1: 7)
Elkanah, her husband, attempted to reduce Hannah’s grief by changing her focus. Instead of focusing on the child she did not have Elkanah wanted her to think of the husband she did have. He also told her how much he loved her. Elkanah figured his love for Hannah was worth at least 10 sons. Hannah may have smiled (or maybe not) but the pain of childlessness would not go away.
Her pain turned to prayer. Verse 10: “In bitterness of soul Hannah wept much and prayed to the Lord.” Hannah made a vow to God. She said, “O Lord Almighty”, if you will only look upon your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head.”
When I grew up long hair meant you were a hippie (whatever that meant). According to the NIV Study Bible, in Hannah’s time long hair was a symbol of dedication to the service of the Lord…” (It is a good argument for teenage boys who want long hair.)
Eli the priest saw Hannah praying. Her distress was so great he assumed she was drunk. After Hannah explained her situation, Eli said, “Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him, (1: 17)”
There was something about her experience of prayer and Eli’s words that brought peace to Hannah’s spirit. We read in verse in 18, “Then she went her way and ate something, and her face was no longer downcast.”
Look with me to verse 20: So in the course of time Hannah conceived and gave birth to a son. She named him Samuel, saying, “Because I asked the Lord for him.”
Hannah’s pain, which resulted in prayer, turned to praise. God heard her. God responded. He gave her a son.
Hannah’s praise and thankfulness did not diminish after her son was born. Remember her vow to God. What was it? “I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life...”
At this point a parent might have said, “Hmmmm. I think it was a coincidence – prayer and the birth of my son. Were the two really connected? I will dedicate him… but give him to the Lord for all the days of his life…? Maybe I was a little over the top – too exuberant!”
Hannah neither wavered nor procrastinated. I imagine that when she made the vow to God she knew exactly how she was going to fulfill it. She would send Samuel to the tabernacle to grow up. He would be trained there. He would serve there. It would be his home.
In a spirit of thanksgiving and praise the child Hannah had so desperately prayed for, she gave back to God. We read in verse 24: “After he was weaned, she took the boy with her, young as he was… to the house of the Lord at Shiloh.” How young? Maybe three or four years of age.
Do you think there were tears when Hannah said goodbye? Who do you think cried the most, Hannah or Samuel? If you think what Hannah did was tough, look down to verse 12. Now here are some reassuring words for a mother who is leaving her young son behind. “Eli’s sons were wicked men; they had no regard for the LORD.”
The man to whom Hannah was leaving her three-year-old son had failed with his own children. This is confirmed in I Samuel 3: 13 where God says, “For I told him (Eli) that I would judge his family forever because of the sin he knew about; his sons made themselves contemptible, and he failed to restrain them. Therefore, I swore to the house of Eli, “The guilt of Eli’s house will never be atoned for by sacrifice or offering.”
It is these sons who are so evil who will be helping to train Samuel. Maybe Hannah knew nothing about this, but it is highly unlikely. 1 Samuel 2: 22 informs us that was not probable. “Now Eli, who was very old, heard about everything his sons were doing to all Israel and how they slept with the women who served at the entrance to the Tent of Meeting. So he said to them, "Why do you do such things? I hear from all the people about these wicked deeds of yours. No, my sons; it is not a good report that I hear spreading among the LORD’s people.”
Put yourself in Hannah’s sandals for a moment. Would you want to leave Samuel in that environment? Would you want Eli and his sons to be the ones who trained your child? You think the school system is bad! It looks like the tabernacle where Hannah left her precious son was not a shining example of virtue.
Hannah’s decision to leave Samuel at the tabernacle under the direction of Eli was not based on what was best for Samuel from a human perspective. Human wisdom is clear: keep him away from the Eli clan. They are bad news.
Hannah’s decision was based on the vow she made to God. The vow was fulfilled because, in spite of appearances, in spite of the pain of separation and her lack of accessibility to her boy, she trusted God. She trusted God to accomplish good even in a less than ideal situation. She was not disappointed. Samuel surmounted the careless indifference, self-indulgence and immorality modeled by Eli’s sons. Instead of allowing the environment to shape him, Samuel allowed God to use him to change his environment. Samuel became the strong, faithful leader Israel needed at a time of crisis.
So where does “unmothering” or “overmothering” fit in this story? Was Hannah a good mother or a religious fanatic who somehow got her obligations confused?
One thing we know for sure, Samuel was not “overmothering” by Hannah. The decision to release Samuel to serve God in the tabernacle removed her from the possibility of “overmothering.” It was impossible for Hannah to be what some describe today as “helicopter parents” always hovering over their children. There were no such things as phones or cell phones or e-mail. Hannah released Samuel beyond what we can imagine is this age of instant communication.
If Hannah did not “overmother” Samuel, was he an “unmothered” child? Read 1 Samuel 2:19. “Each year his mother made him a little robe and took it to him when she went up with her husband to offer the annual sacrifice.”
I love that verse. Can you picture the scene? At least in the early years, there was the presentation of the priest-like robe, there were hugs and kisses, eye contact, touching. There were a mother’s questions. Every day when Samuel put on his little robe he was reminded of his mother’s loving care.
Verse 19 speaks of the annual sacrifice but there were two other times as well when Elkanah was mandated to make his way to the tabernacle. My guess is a road full of snakes would not have stopped Hannah from making the trip other times as well.
Although Hannah was not present with Samuel much of the time, Samuel knew he was loved. The person who knows he/she is loved yet who is not pampered or smothered is empowered. He or she is empowered to become, do, and live responsibly.
Samuel did not grow up in a normal situation as we think of normality. He grew up in a corrupt religious environment. But the words of 1 Samuel 2:21 and 26 remind us “Meanwhile, the boy Samuel grew up in the presence of the Lord. . . . And the boy Samuel continued to grow in stature and in favour with the Lord and with men.” (Where else do we read that verse?) Is there any better parenting than growing up in the presence of the Lord?
Is there a formula here? How does this sound? Send your child away when he/she is four years old to a questionable environment to be trained by a person who did not do a good job with his own kids. Visit your child at minimum once a year or possibly three times a year. Give him a new set of clothes once a year. Then in trust God and watch God turn your child into a strong leader.
I don’t think we have a formula here! Do you? A formula would be nice – especially if we could find a formula that would guarantee success. Unfortunately the task of parenting and formulas do not go together.
There are some principles that can help us as parents and grandparents or guardians to make wise decisions about and with the children who are part of our lives.
First, Hannah was filled with gratitude and praise to God for her child. Children are not a curse or a bother. They are a blessing from God. Hannah was rightly connected with God who answered her prayer and she was thankful for her child. Take some time to look inward. What is your attitude towards your children? When was the last time you truly gave thanks to God for the children He has placed in your life? Please pause for a moment to give thanks for the children, and all the other people, God has put in your life.
Gratitude to God for our children frees us to love them. Lack of thankfulness blocks love. Children know when they are loved. No one, including Samuel, ever questioned Hannah’s love. Hannah’s love for Samuel was not a love that “unmothered” or overmothered.
Hannah’s love for God and her love for Samuel enabled her to release her son in fulfilment of her vow and as an act of faith. As parents we struggle with release – babysitters, school buses, school, college, university, marriage. We may not be wrestling with a vow, but many of us have dedicated our children to God. We want them to be devoted followers of Jesus. Release is important if we are to allow God room to work in our children’s lives. There are times when we may hold on to our children so tightly trying to fix and protect and prevent that we leave no room for God to work in our child to develop his/her character and maturity.
Gratitude, love, and the freedom to release our children into God’s keeping provide a framework for making wise decisions as parents. We will not always make the best decisions but, thankfully, perfection is not required. What is required is a heart that is rightly related to God and a heart that is rightly related to the children in our life. Gratitude, love and the freedom to release are important principles that we see modeled in the story of Samuel. These lay a foundation for action as we look for health and wholeness and devotion to God for our families.